Life, Love, & Whatnot

"All men are created equal." As I read this passage, I take it to mean that all "humans" are created equal. Equal in terms of unalienable rights, not in terms of status, form or even function. I know that on these levels few "men" are equal. This is especially true in a society that revolves around perfectionism. You need to have the perfect body, the perfect job, the perfect car, drink the right drink, eat at the right places and use the right toilet paper. Perfectionism has become the established doctrine of our day. How can you be happy if you aren't perfect?

I know I can get sucked into this "Barbie-doll" mentality. I have spent hours at malls and in front of mirrors. Given the financial opportunity, I have gone through a small fortune on clothes, make-up and beauty aids. I've even considered liposuction. I am not immune to the media mantra, "If you aren't perfect, you can be." No one is. How others perceive us and what we believe them to perceive, effects the way we perceive ourselves. This is the basis of the "Looking Glass Self". An idea that stressed the importance of other people's reaction's in shaping self-esteem. This theory was developed by Cooley in 1902. But social reaction does more then just effect self-esteem it also affects the basic construct of equality.

Our forefathers knew we would not all be equal when it came to form, status and function. They were simply stating that "all men" should be given equal access and opportunity to basic human rights; rights that should never be handed-over or bartered. Yet in a world that focuses on perfection these rights get bypassed everyday. Research shows that good-looking people are more likely to get hired, get higher pay and advance more rapidly. A good friend of mine was a regular on the short-lived, "Louie Anderson Show". The sitcom didn't make the grade but Nancy got rave reviews. She was touted as the best thing about the show. She is the only actor in the cast that didn't get other offers. Nancy is attractive, intelligent and talented. She also uses a wheelchair and is over 40. In a world where unrealistic expectations of perfectionism reign, even the best of us can get detoured.

I bring this up not to bring you down. I do so only to validate your experience, my experience. Society's perceptions can and do impede our rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. The stereotypes can unbalance the scales of equality. Leonard Kriegel, author of Falling into Life, writes, "People struggle not only to define themselves but to avoid being defined by others. But to be a cripple is to learn that one can be defined from outside. Our complaint about society is not that it ignores our presence but that it ignores our reality... The outline of the shadow we cast has been created not by us but by those who find a way to see what they want to see rather then what is there." How can we make our shadows big enough to reflect who we really are? Who we want to be? How can we exercise our right to pursue happiness when these unrealistic expectations create roadblocks that pigeonhole our identities and abilities? Whether the stereotypes are positive or negative, the individual self is lost due to the singularity of the characterization. I am not a super-gimp nor am I a cripple.

There are those who say this is my problem. If I simply put my nose to the grindstone I can "overcome" and have it all. It is a Polly-Anna, every cloud-has-a-silver-lining kind of optimism that implies you can be perfect and happy all the time if you just try hard enough. This kind of optimism hits me so hard that it generally knocks the wind out of me. I get so overwhelmed that I almost give up. I will never be perfect and odds are I will never walk again. These are the simple truths of my life. I am not always happy and if I tried to be I'd probably end up going Postal.

The problem with Polly-Anna optimism is it places unrealistic expectations on the individual. It neglects to validate the environmental factors that affect us all. People do not live in a vacuum. We are social creatures. With the advent of Mass Media, the impact of other people's reactions goes far beyond family and friends. According to M. Anderson, author of Thinking about Women: Sociological Perspectives on Sex & Gender, (1988), we see an average of 1600 ads per day and consciously notice about 1200 of those. Most of these ads extol a limited view of beauty, vitality, slimness and sexuality. Rarely do they include disability.

When I was first injured twenty-four years ago, my rehab counselor told me to give up acting as career. She said it was just not a viable option and I believed her. I thought she was right; I am one of them now. One of those disabled, unable, feeble, maimed people. I can never be an actress or a model. The social stereotypes of disability affected my self-perception and I let it keep me from returning to my passion. I believed that disabled people didn't act or model, get married, have kids or live the typical happily-ever-after... Well, they have and they do. And so have I...Now.

I almost shrunk back and let my shadow be cast by society instead of my soul. The external factors that exist are real and they can become roadblocks to our pursuit of happiness if we let them. We can buy into the narrow minds of a "Barbie-doll" mentality or we can fight back. Redefine beauty, find love, make careers, babies and mistakes. We just need to take risks. Social scientists have discovered that successful people react to adversity differently from other people. The ability of successful individuals to see adversity as a short-lived, specific event is in part what makes them successful. Take Lee Iacocca, he was fired from the Ford Motor Company before he joined the Chrysler Corporation and turned it around.

John Callahan, cartoonist and author, uses humor to turn adversity into opportunity. He is no Polly-Anna, that's for sure. His "dark-side" is alive and well. He just continues to pursue happiness by capitalizing on the controversy, calamity and decay. My friend Nancy continues to perform comedy and is writing her own one woman show. I find a variety of ways to explore my passion for performing. There are many roads to happiness and most of them are rocky. These obstacles we encounter can become opportunities for growth, creativity and advancement. But to get through these road hazards we may need some emergency assistance; an old movie, a pint of Haagen Daaz or a decade off. It takes time to appreciate the lessons life gives us. And even when we do learn and grow, we will still be imperfect. Martin Seligman, Ph.D., author of the book, Learned Optimism, believes we should, "see imperfection as human". It is our imperfection's that make us real. Chinese vase makers are said to create the perfect vase and then purposely integrate a flaw to make the vase real, therefore more beautiful.

We too, are beautiful. Like the vase makers, we must embrace the "flaws" that makes us real and unique. I used to hate the scars scattered across my body, barring any possibility for perfection. Now I honor them. They are the chronicles of my life. I feel like Mel Gibson and Renee Russo in "Lethal Weapon 3". They celebrated their scars as testaments of their inner fortitude and attractiveness. We are not simply our bodies; we are the spirit that lies within. We must believe in ourselves, "flaws" and all, and let our spirit cast the shadow that others see, not society. We must continue to move forward, changing social perception. We cannot let social misconception or ideas of unrealistic perfection keep us from our basic human rights. These obstacles are real. However there are many ways to live and several routes to happiness

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